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Throughout each playthrough of Hitman, it becomes a game of discovering just how ridiculous Agent 47 can kill someone while keeping it discreet. The fact that he doesn’t even display a grin after performing some of these assassinations proves how dry and professional he is as a hitman. These funny assassination scenarios won’t just murder the targets but will also kill the players with laughter.
10 Ejector Elimination - Final Training
Target: Jasper Knight Mission: Main
Even as early as the training sequence, it’s already clear what kind of game Hitman wants to be. Players are tasked with killing Jasper Knight in the middle of a highly-guarded compound. Thankfully, he’s a giddy man with an obsession with military hardware.
So when the game presents players with a “faulty” jet ejector seat, it was already a match made in heaven. Agent 47 was also there to guide Jasper with a step-by-step process of launching himself up the sky to be blown up like a firework. Don’t forget to chant “USA! USA!” afterward.
9 Catwalk Catastrophe - Paris
Target: Viktor Novikov Mission: The Showstopper
The Paris level is quite the stunner in Hitman as it was a showcase of the game’s impressive set-piece and A.I. The mission also takes place in a fashion show, which makes it an aesthetic overload. It’s too bad that Agent 47 has to ruin the party by bringing down the house — literally.
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The most magnificent and loudest “accident” he can cause is crashing down the light fixtures on the catwalk, turning Viktor Novikov into a fashion sandwich. It does appear that civilian casualties are involved but at least they all died while looking beautiful.
8 Balcony Bash - Paris
Targets: Viktor Novikov, Dalia Margolis Mission: The Showstopper
Then again, there’s actually a funnier way to kill the two Paris targets without endangering the crowd around the catwalk. All Agent 47 has to do is be patient and tail Dalia Margolis after setting up the fashion show fireworks. This will draw out both Viktor and Dalia.
The kicker is that both of them are aligned, with Dalia on a balcony on top of Viktor. All players have to do is give old Dalia a little push toward greatness and shower Viktor with her. That’s a two-for-one kill and it’s miraculous how Agent 47 refrained from laughing while celebrating on his way to the extraction.
7 Church Casualty - Sapienza
Target: Marco Abiatti Mission: Landslide
Landslide is a lovely little bonus mission set in Sapienza in which players are tasked with killing the local slimy businessman and mayoral candidate Marco Abiatti. He’s a typical rich villain whose corruption knows no bounds, and he even tries to bribe a local archpriest.
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Too bad for him, the said priest is Agent 47 in disguise and Marco will willingly come with him to the top of the church tower if he’s dressed like that. For added style points, players can wait for Marco to finish his monologue of how everyone can be bought before 47 pushes him off the balcony to be impaled on a sharp spire below. It’s safe to say he’ll be backing out of the election.
6 Pen Penetration - Sapienza
Target: Marco Abiatti Mission: Landslide
They say the pen is mightier than the sword and Agent 47 literally tried to prove that by stabbing someone with the writing apparatus. It worked and all he had to do was dress up like someone interested in coming into Marco Abiatti’s social circle.
Marco, being the socialite that he is, wholeheartedly invites the interesting gentleman into his office. Conveniently, there’s a sharp fountain pen sticking up with its sharp end so all 47 had to do was perform the Joker’s classic pencil magic trick — but instead of the writing apparatus disappearing, it’s the mayoral candidate’s life that went poof.
5 Toilet Termination - Marrakesh
Target: Reza Zaydan Mission: A Gilded Cage
When looking for ways to assassinate an esteemed and well-connected general, what’s the best murder method that comes to mind? For Agent 47, that would be a bathroom break, as in literally breaking some bathroom fixtures. And what better bathroom fixture to break on top of General Reza Zaydan’s head than the dirtiest of them all? The toilet.
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Compared to other scenarios, this one’s actually rather simple to set up. Outfits are the key here and 47 merely needs to find a broken open floor that’s on top of the general’s routine path. If there’s a lone toilet waiting to be pushed, then it’s best to introduce it to the general. The man clearly needs to relieve himself after the stress of an impending coup.
4 Freestyle Fortunetelling - Marrakesh
Target: Matthieu Mendola Mission: A House Built on Sand
While other funny assassination methods involve gravity and furniture, this one is all about crystal balling someone to death. The lucky guy would be Matthieu Mendola in the A House Build on Sand bonus mission in Marrakesh.
He’s gullible enough to believe in fortune-tellers, particularly if they’re sharp and serious-looking like Agent 47. Thankfully, Agent 47 doesn’t have to be a fortune-teller to determine Mathieu’s fate as he can easily predict his manner of death — getting a brain hemorrhage after his own fortune-teller cracks his head open with the crystal ball.
3 Cake Choke - Bangkok
Target: Jordan Cross Mission: Club 27
Pretty rocker boy Jordan Cross has some complex daddy issues and gets triggered by a measly birthday cake sent by his father. He clearly doesn’t like the cake and views it as an insulting gesture from his old man despite the fact that he’s too dependent on him.
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Well, it’s up to Agent 47 to fix this family issue by making Jordan appreciate the birthday cake better. Shoving his face into the cake and denying him oxygen ought to do the trick. It’s sort of two birds with one stone. Agent 47 gets to fulfill a mission metric while Jordan Cross gets to celebrate his birthday.
2 Swirly Slaughter - Bangkok
Target: Ken Morgan Mission: Club 27
Ken Morgan is one schmuck of a lawyer who leeches a lot off of Jordan Cross and his father. So there’s really no guilt involved in killing him, especially when his death involves drowning in a high-end toilet in a luxury Bangkok hotel.
That’s on Ken, since he appreciates expensive toilets and wouldn’t hesitate to intimately explore every detail of the bathroom fixture. Agent 47 simply helps him get a closer look at the toilet’s intricacies, particularly how the flush works.
1 Kubrick Knockout - Hokkaido
Target: Erich Soders Mission: Situs Inversus
Speaking of filthy rich evil targets, Erich Soders finally gets his much-needed long rest from 47. Thanks to Agent 47’s hacking skills, or lack thereof, he was able to haywire a surgery computer and turn her into something that resembles Hal, a rogue sentient computer who serves as the villain in Stanley Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey.
The surgery computer got a little too enthusiastic with their medical practice and started butchering Erich Soders. It was a bizarre and brutal death, but, since it’s Erich Soders, the appropriate reaction would be a “whoa” with sporadic chuckles.
Hitman is available on PS4, Xbox One, Microsoft Windows, Linux, Google Stadia, and macOS.
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